No One Told Me

From the moment you tell people you are pregnant, you start hearing all sorts of stories. People tell you their delivery stories, their baby-poop explosion stories, their child's grueling injury stories, how early their child did something, and they pass along the best advice they ever got. Some of it is true, some not so much, but some stuff you either don't listen to, don't believe, or you were never actually warned at all.

Here are the top things I wish I'd known before becoming a parent:

Babies actually can cry for hours, even all night. That one was not an exaggeration, even though people said it to me with a laugh and a smile. They were serious... Our first night at home became one of those horror stories, and babies are not all like that, but every baby does have a rough night every now and then.

The night we brought her home from the hospital, she cried until  3 or 4 AM. Eventually, we all were crying.

They wreak havoc on your marriage. No matter what your partner does, it never feels like enough. Parenting is just that hard. I don't know how single parents do it.

Typical Daddy time is rough-housing or reading books.

Once they start trying to stand and walk, they will get bruises on their face, and you will feel terrible. Corners are no joke, people.

See the bruise above her left eye. 

This table wrecked her face so many times.

Babies don't always like baby toys. It's the best marketing ploy in the world. Put a picture of a baby playing with a baby toy on the box and parents will drop some serious money hopes of seeing their child engaged in individual play. But what companies don't tell you is that the baby on the box was probably just playing with a cooking spoon and the toy was photoshopped in. It's a lie. Kids will play with literally anything longer than they will play with a baby toy.

My work badge is a favorite "toy". Whatever works, right?

I'm not sure what to call this one, but babies and toddlers love to dig through bins and dump things out and carry them around and disperse them all over the house. I have found spatulas in the bathtub, hand soap in the living room, and tooth brushes in the... actually, I haven't found all of those yet.

A mouse pad on a pillow next to a step stool. Best toys ever?

They mimic everything, from wearing headbands to stirring air in mixing bowls to putting diapers on things. You won't even remember doing some of the stuff that they mimic. Most of it will make you clap and giggle and saw "awww!". But when you see them spank a dog or hold a bottle of wine to their mouth, it gives you a heart attack. She didn't learn all of that from me.

She made her baby a bed and blanket so he could go "night night"

She grabbed her purse and her baby because someone said "time to go"

You will love them so much more than you ever imagined you could love something. Their smile will give you butterflies and make your chest tighten like no other love ever has or ever will.

This one is still my favorite.

I love watching her with the dogs.

Trying out bananas in a feeding ring

Our town is famous for its Hippo mascot and for the concrete hippopotamuses all over town.

Your body can totally bounce back. After hearing all this talk of how hard it is to lose baby weight, I was mentally prepared for the "never the same again" image in the mirror, but I lost all of the weight I gained during pregnancy after 6 months of just eating right and breastfeeding. I couldn't really exercise because Madison was waking up so often at night, but it turned out that diet was really 90% of the weight loss battle. I was able to start seriously exercising again once she turned 1.

We have done several 5 and 10Ks as a family. Dad walks with the stroller while I run.

This is my favorite baby gadget. It's probably her favorite too.

I even have a friend named Ariel who says she is more fit after 5 kids than she was before just due to a lifestyle change. 

They are ridiculously sensitive to bug bites. Ants, mosquitos, whatever. Everything looks like a spider bite after about a day. My friends from work tell me that their kids had the same thing, and it wasn't an allergy. They're just sensitive. Like, get-a-prescription-for-Mupirocin sensitive.

Three ant bites.

(No pic) They can get yeast infections just like adults. I took her in for a well-baby visit thinking everything was fine but was told, as the pediatrician pointed out some small red dots, that she had a yeast infection! I was so surprised.

The first time they sleep through the night, you might not sleep at all. Some moms have worse separation anxiety than their kids and can't even move them to another room. Some, including me, think they're ready to kick baby out, so they move the crib and expect the wonderful, pre-baby sleep. Unfortunately, I thought I was hearing baby cries all night and couldn't fall into a deep sleep.

After 8 long months, I moved her to her own room. She slept through the night on the very first try.

Madison slept through the night from 8-months on as long as she wasn't teething, but I still find that I don't sleep very well at night. (I can still nap like a champ though.)

Nothing I've written about so far is even in the same ball park as this next one though...

I wish someone had told me that "babies are rubber" is an urban legend. It's a myth. What bones they do have are actually quite fragile. It's their joints that are still "rubber" due to the cartilage, according to Madison's orthopedic specialist. For example, a baby's wrist doesn't have bones in it in the beginning. So it's hard to break a wrist. But hypothetically speaking, if you were to let your kid try to get out of the bathtub unassisted and she, say, fell... her arm would break in two places.

After that first night, the cast didn't bother her.

That last one trumps all the rest.

What surprised you the most about parenthood?